Want to raise kind kids? Be kind to yourself!

“Never give from the depths of your well, but from your overflow” Rumi

Riya had been up all night with her one-year old daughter Raina, who could not sleep because of a viral infection. Her husband usually shared the morning workload, but this morning was unusually busy for her, since her husband was travelling. Getting her 6-year-old son Raghav, ready for school and then leaving for work was regularly a stressful affair.

Raghav, insisted on taking a big toy truck to school while Raina, was at her cranky best.

“Raghav this truck won’t fit in your bag darling”, she patiently said

“But I need to take this to school”, he insisted. She tried persuading him for the next five minutes and then gave up. She started to rush to drop him to school while messaging her office that she would be working from home that day. She put the baby Raina in her car seat and drove to drop Raghav to school. Raghav hopped on to back seat and hopelessly tried to fit in the toy truck in his school bag. The bag broke and the books spilled on the seat.

Riya lost her cool, “I told you to not get this big thing to school. You have to listen to me and leave this damn truck in the car” she yelled.

She dropped Raghav to school who sheepishly went inside. She waited outside the classroom and kept staring from the class door. Within minutes, Raghav seemed ok and was smiling.

Riya felt relieved and guilty at the same time. It was not her best parenting day!

Just like Riya, we all experience bad and difficult days of different magnitude. All parents often experience ‘Guilt’. Parents feel guilty about going to work and leaving their child at a day-care, getting overwhelmed by the kids, about shouting at them and letting them watch too much TV, the list is endless.

Sigmund Freud had perfectly summed up “parenting is an impossible profession”.  

It is overwhelming to be a parent and most parents end up being very critical of themselves. They push themselves harder to be a better parent, ending up angry at kids and feeling miserable. it’s a roller coaster ride where you don’t know what happens next. Parenting is arduous especially when the village that is supposed to help you raise kids is nowhere to be seen around.

Author of the book ‘Self-Compassion for Parents’ Ms. Susan M. Pollak has very rightly said, “The promise of parenting was connection and love, yet we find ourselves lonely and overwhelmed much of the time”.

What can we do about it?

We need to treat ourselves with compassion and care. We want our kids to grow to be kind and compassionate adults and the key to that lies in practicing kindness and compassion on oneself. This is particularly pertinent in today’s scenario where parents are overwhelmed with home-schooling children and managing work.

How to be kind to oneself?

Let go of Self Judgement

Parents are constantly dealing with self-judgement. Remember to treat yourself with the same empathy and kindness that you would do to your children. Don’t be your critique and remember that its only human to make mistakes. Try to appreciate yourself for small accomplishments. Develop a growth mindset and appreciate yourself for the handwork that you put in parenting. It is not required to be a perfect parent, being a good one is enough.

Practice Mindfulness

A lot has been said and written about Mindfulness and how it helps in achieving calm and peace. Just pausing for small moments during the day can shift the tone and direction of a conversation. The small pauses give us time to reflect at the present moment and savour it. Awareness, attention and acceptance are the key to mindfulness. You don’t have the obligation to ‘think positive’, you have the choice to observe without judgement.

For instance, imagine a parent with a 2-year-old at a party where the child is clinging on to the parent and refusing to be with anyone. Feeling frustrated and angry is natural butut pause for a moment, accept that these emotions are natural and will pass.. The mindful response to the situation will definitely be more peaceful.

Do what you love and do it often

It could be anything from dressing up, to joining a new yoga class, learning a new sport or going out with friends. The idea is doing activities that leave you energised and happy. A happy parent nurtures a happy child. In addition, kids learn that joy and fun are an integral part of one’s life.

You may find it difficult to take out time for fun activities initially. Begin slowly but do the activities regularly. To start with, you might want to start taking that music lessons, once a month. And later include other fun things that you want to do.

Build a support network

It is ok to ask for help. Everyone is not fortunate to have close family support network. If that’s our case then, investing in a good day care, a nanny or close friends is a great idea. It is advisable to alternate childcare responsibilities between partners so that each gets some ‘me time’ each week.

Parenting is hard and can be overwhelming but remember to pause and take out some time for yourself.                                     

As Eleanor Brown rightly said “Self-care is not selfish. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”