The curious case of modern dads!

“Dads are most ordinary men turned by love into heroes, adventurers, story-tellers, and singers of song.” –Pam Brown

So, the other day, our 4 year old comes and calls his father as silly old Daddy. I asked him “why did you say that?”, and he quickly said its what Peppa calls her father.

This got me thinking. A Lot of popular media depicts the millennial father as forgetful, clumsy and careless. Be it the silly old daddy pig, the dad in ‘honey, i shrunk up the kids’, the stereotypical jokes where the father puts on unmatched socks while dressing up kids.

The dad is meant to be funny and laughed at while mom’s mean serious business. The role of fathers in bringing up children has been never been taken as seriously as a mothers . May be because primitive men were meant to be food hunter-gatherer and the women were responsible for nurturing.

If men’s role in child-rearing is not taken seriously, it impacts their societal conditioning and make men take the task lightly. Thus we can not ignore the critical role that father’s play in bringing up kids.

We often speak about the bonding between a mother and a child but rarely about a father and a child. The millennial father’s portrayal in media is not quite appropriate. The role of fathers has gone through a paradigm shift over the last few years. Research suggests that men go through physiological changes as they get ready to play the father’s role. In fact they see a surge in the maternal hormone Oxytocin as they are getting ready for the role of a father. They experience measurable changes when they become fathers, tied to physiology that prime them for their new roles, much in the same way women’s bodies prepare for motherhood.

Most research examines the impact of good mothers on children. Sadly, the role of the father in the development of children has been largely neglected.

Kids who grow up with a present and loving father are happier and less stressed. What is surprising is that these children are also less likely to engage in aggressive behavior.

“I cannot think of any need in children as strong as the need for a father’s protection.” Sigmund Freud

It is encouraging to see the new age fathers wanting to be more present while bringing up children.

John Finch’s the Father Effect: Hope and Healing from a Dad’s Absence, coins the term The Father effect. A term which encompasses the benefits that children get from having a present and engaged father. The word ‘present’ implies the virtue of spending quality time with children on a regular basis.

“I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren’t trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom.” Umberto Eco

Here are how children benefit from a loving and engaged father:

1. Positive outcomes at school: Children with loving and involved fathers perform better on IQ tests, in academics and have a positive view of the school. There is a positive correlation between fatherly love and lack of aggression in young children. The key here is spending quality time with children. By quality time, it means that the parent provides uninterrupted presence, even for a few minutes, every day.

2. Building inner strength: Fathers who regularly motivate their children, help them in building inner strength, Resilience and inner strength facilitate children in dealing with the uncertain and difficult situations. Motivating does not simply mean to praise the children for everything they do. It is to appreciate the hard work they put in tasks, to encourage them to take calculated risks, to cheer them during failure and facilitate problem solving. It would be much more meaningful to say to a child “I see you like playing cricket, and its great that you keep trying to better your bowling.” Not just a “super job”.

3. Better relationship with others – Children learn through imitation. How a father treats other people and his own children has an impact on how the child is going to form relationships once they grow up. Research suggest an interconnection between caring fathers and enhanced social skills for children.

4. Different perspective on things: Fathers and mothers have different perspectives on many things. When fathers regularly engage and converse with children, their perspective broadens and they gain new insights. They learn new ways to approach life and problem solve.

5. Get a peek into a man’s world: Both boys and girls get an insight into a man’s world through the eyes of their father. Boys admire and copy their fathers aspiring to be like them. While girls look for their fathers in probably all men she meets. Ad David Jeremiah succinctly says “A girl’s father is the first man in her life, and probably the most influential.”

I have been lucky to be surrounded by some wonderful, caring and loving fathers and have witnessed the huge impact they have on their kids. There may be a difference in the way a father and a mother cares for the offspring but the father’s role is no less important than a mother’s, in shaping the child.